Despite the tremendous amount of attention codependency has received over the past few years, many people remain unaware how often individuals with an addiction are also codependent.
And, even for those who are aware of this connection between addiction and codependency, they often consider the relationship between codependency and addiction to be “hand-in-hand.”
But, in reality, the relationship between codependency and addiction is more akin to “hand-in-glove,” as for many addicts their codependency issues greatly predate their addictive behaviors.
The Manipulator and the Enabler
While not always accurate, codependency is often thought of in terms of two distinct relationship roles: the enabler and the manipulator (or taker).
It is not at all uncommon for the manipulators in a codependent relationship to have issues with alcohol, drugs, or other addictive substances or behaviors.
In these cases, the other partner in the codependent relationship – the enabler – becomes so caught up in his or her desire to please and fit in with the manipulator, he or she covers up the manipulator’s behavior, often even supporting the addiction (consciously or unconsciously) in order to keep the manipulator happy.
Now, to be sure, there are a variety of reasons or rationalizations for this behavior on the part of the enabler. Enablers may justify this in terms of acquiring drugs or alcohol on behalf of their partners so that their partners aren’t driving under the influence and putting themselves and others in harm’s way. Enablers may take part in the addiction because they see doing so as the only way to gain the attention of their partners. And so on… But, the real reason is due to how the enabling partners feel about themselves, their own lack of boundaries and self-esteem.
Additional Factors
Another reason addiction and codependency are often linked in relationships is that many of the problems associated with addiction can only be managed – or, at least, only be managed relatively easily – through a codependent relationship.
Addicts often have difficulties staying employed, managing money, having successful interpersonal relationships with others, as well as engage in high-risk behaviors. Codependents typically end up helping their partners manage these issues and become the stability the addicts lack in themselves.
However, this very stability can easily add more friction to the relationship as the manipulating addict fights the control of the enabler, leading the enabler to even more controlling behaviors which the addict fights against, and so on, and so on, in what becomes a vicious circle.
Of course, the “real” reason codependency and addiction are so intertwined is that many if not all addicts are codependent themselves.
One of the defining traits of codependency is reacting to external rather than internal cues. Focusing one’s thinking and behavior on something outside of one’s self that one can’t possibly control.
Addicts’ lives revolve around their addictions, whether that addiction is to alcohol or drugs or work, or sex, or food.
Addicts are codependent, too!
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All of this is why treatment for both addiction and codependency are often undertaken simultaneously.
Unfortunately, codependents (whether or not they’re also addicts) typically only seek help when faced with some sort of crisis, as codependents are usually in denial of their issues. And, while either partner can and should be encouraged to seek help on their own, the only way to salvage a codependent relationship and move forward together is if both partners engage in the process of getting professional help and creating change.
Are you, or is someone you know, codependent? Have you gotten help? What did it take for them or you to seek professional assistance? Do you have questions about the link between codependency and addiction? If so, what are they? Be sure to share your thoughts and questions using the comment section below so we can all learn from and help each other…
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So true! Codependency and addiction both co-emerge out of the same family dysfunction, and shame and emotional abandonment (which causes shame) are at the root. Addicts have to be clean/abstinent from their codependency with any process or substance to address their relationship codependency. When enablers and addicts stop their addictive behavior, they each must face their pain, fear, anxiety, and emptiness.
Darlene Lancer, LMFT
Author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “Conquering Shame and Codependency”
http://www.whatiscodependency.com
Thank you Darlene for your thoughts and the work you do in the world to help others heal from codependency. Sherry
So interesting Darlene about the link between emotional abandonment and shame. It is saying we are “unworthy of love”. We then carry that into adulthood and wonder why we feel this way. Lots of reading on my part about co-dependency and shame over the years has really helped me identify these feelings and also going back to the “source” of where it originated in my family of origin. Many thanks for all your work.
Yes thank you to Darlene for the work on codependency and shame/abandonment issues she has brought into the light. And congratulations Sue for all the work you have done to discover where the root of your codependency comes from. Sherry
Several years ago I joined Celebrate Recovery to assist in starting the program at our church. I completed the 12 step study associated with CR. I felt like the term co-dependent was a catch all phrase. So when I introduced myself at CR I could never narrow down what my main struggle was. A few years later I sought counseling for a family issue (too long to go into) and told my counselor I struggled with anxious thoughts, resentment, anger among a few other items. She said those are classic issues relating to co-dependency. Since then I have become very aware of my co-dependency and dysfunctional relationships. I self evaluate regularly and am trying to overcome…Thank you.
Thank you Jacqueline for sharing your journey with Wake Up Recovery. There are many definitions of codependency but underlying it are definitely the symptoms you mention which are anxiety, resentment, and anger. Congratulations on the work you are doing to recover from your codependent traits. Sherry
I’m an alcoholic and 100% positive I’m co dependent after reading “co-dependant no more” I have been to rehab. I grew up in an alcoholic home. Im married to an alcoholic. (Who thinks he is not bc of course I’m worse). And I feel hopeless. I don’t know what to do at this point.
Katie, thank you for reaching out. I often see codependency underneath most addiction and alcoholism. I share often the story of my own ex husband who relapsed over codependent issues that had never been resolved. I would love for you to join our community at http://www.wakeuprecovery.com. It was created as a way for me to begin diving deeper into my own codependent behavior and was a life changer for me. There is so much hope and support out there Katie. Sherry
Sherry I, as a father to a 28 year old daughter, have a concern about this issue. First, I want to say I fully realize I can’t change my daughter’s behavior and more importantly the why behind it.
My daughter seems to constantly be attracted to the local ghetto crap (my term) when it comes to the selection of men. She allows them to interfere in her job, home life and all else that matters. She is now at the point of nearly becoming homeless, not because she does not work but rather his doing nothing and playing computer games all day. I have made it clear she is welcome in my home but he is not. I don’t want his lazy, bad energies infecting everyone else in the home. We all have crap of some in our life but we grow up and learn how to deal with it. In the case she is 28 and he is 42 and not grown up yet. I suspect he never will. I can only offer tough love at this point that I am aware of.
Edward, it sounds like you are exhibiting healthy boundaries not allowing your daughter’s boyfriend in your home. It sounds like your daughter is not only codependent but may also be a love addict. I wrote a great book that was published in Feb called “The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession” on Amazon. It may be a great resource for her to help in the healing of her need to fill herself with negative choices. There is probably a much bigger issue underneath her choices. I hope that helps. Sherry
I haven’t been in a relationship with an addict in many, many years, yet I’m codependent, and feel as though lobbing these issues together is not accurate. My biggest problem and the main reason I have trouble seeking help with this issue. I believe it is more narcissist/codependent and addiction can sometimes be thrown in.
Agreed Deborah there is absoultely a dance between the codependent and the narcissist. One craves (codependent) the attention to feel needed and not empty inside, the other (narcissist) needs to be puffed up by the same attention but once he/she gets the attention he needs, he gas lights, abuses, and eliminates all the love bombing/attention that the codependent so desperately craves from the beginning of the dance. The codpendent desperately in terror begs for that attention/love bombing and will do anything to recreate it to no avail and sometimes the narcissist might throw her/him a bone sucking her/him back in. It is absolutely crazy making. An addict often is disguised as a narcissist or a narcissist is disguised as an addict manipulating the codependent to get exactly what he wants and he/she does this thru love bombing and saying whatever the codependent wants to hear to get him in her favor. I took my ex husband (addict/narcissist) back with all sorts of promises he would go to meetings, get a sponsor, blah, blah, blah. I was feeling vulnerable and his love bombing promises sucked me in. We must be very careful before allowing an addict/narcissist back into your life. It is important to understand their pure intentions or you may wind up in a major codependent relapse.
Thank you Deborah. Many addicts themselves struggle with codependency and that was my purpose for posting that blog. Congratulations to you for staying on your side of the street by not entering in any relationships that do not serve you. I am not sure what your comment is on narcissist/codependent relationships but there is often a common attraction with codependents to the narcissist and narcissists to the codependent. They both seek attention and the desire to feel needed which each disorder feeds.
This is very helpful. For a long, long time I was simply unaware of co-dependence and how it much it was woven into my life challenges. And even once becoming more aware, there was still a lot of underlying denial. And sometimes there still is. Learning, growing. One day at a time.
Thank you Jamey for your thoughts. It’s so interesting that the disease of addiction is the only disease that says “we don’t have a disease” or the addict has to give up the goodies. The same goes with codependency. For so long I was in my own denial of my codependent relationship and ignored the consequences of losing myself in that relationship.
I have found your comments very helpful in my recovery. I have learned that my codependence requires daily acknowledgment and must be treated similarly to any other addiction. I have a daily reprieve based on a fit spiritual and emotional condition. The manipulator/enabler cycle you so clearly describe is sick yet attractive to me like a moth to a light or an addict to their drug. I must get out ahead of my codependent patterns or habits by developing healthy awareness and by strengthening healthy habits such as daily Journaling, meditation, and seeking the truth which resides in my heart. I have found the 12 steps of codependence anonymous and coda groups very helpful as well.
Thank you Hal for your thoughts. I have always said codependency and fear often exist underneath addiction. I have worked with many clients that have relapsed based on their codependent issues so I would agree with you, having a CODA program is vital. and congratulations on all your uncovering and discovering of your own codpendency issues.
Ive never seen a post before like this. Thankyou !!!!! I think its very important to work together as the other has the piece of the jigsaw that we are missing, and vica versa. Thats why there is such intense attraction. Theres no point throwing the alcoholic out of your life cos another will be queing to take their place. We have to understand what makes us play this game and work on the underlying causes. In this way the other removes themselves from our lives if they are not growing at the same rate. And Vica versa.
So so much for words. What are the actions?
What is the self parenting we have to do in the absence of that parenting back in our childhood?
Id say Number One is buy yourself a bunch a flowers cos the addict 95% of the time never will !
any advances on this theme?
Thank you Lynne for this post. I think we often forget underneath addiction is usually fear and codependency. As far as codependency goes and loving an addict, it is a need to fill something up that we didn’t get as children. For me, it was early developmental trauma. I have always filled that trauma up with obsession/love addiction/codependency until I was willing to do the deep work. If you have any interest in being a part of my tribe, please join us at http://www.wakeuprecovery.com and enjoy my latest online conference on the subject http://www.recoverytodayseries.com.
Great article Sherry!
It’s true, co-dependency is a pre-requisite for addiction. Co-dependants often learn to take care of addicts, rather than look after themselves. Unfortunately, this is also the way many women are culturally raised, to care for others. Many professions such as nursing and health care have people who have co-dependent traits. All learned from childhood. I did the deep healing over 20 years ago. I wasn’t deep into co-dependency, however with 3 children, one with special needs, it was hard carving out time for myself. The book that opened my eyes was Co-Dependant No More. After reading that book recommended to me by AFM, I thought to myself, this is totally my ex-husband. I was lucky to have good boundaries developed during my childhood, yet I still had trauma from mental health issues ( no drinking) of my dear Mom, whom I now see as incredibly wise. It’s all about letting go and letting God, for everyone really. The non-addict, although forced or is co-dependent ends up being controlled when they started off controlling. Anyone who grows up in an alcoholic home becomes codependent because they weren’t allowed to be a child and be cared for by a normal-range parent. Hence the pattern continues.
Thank you Kim for sharing your heart felt thoughts on codependency and the fact codependency underlies addiction. So many addicts/alcoholics in and out of recovery don’t always get this so I really appreciate your transparency and understanding of this idea. Sherry
A codependent partner, in some ways, is part of the addiction. The codependence can be treated with your addiction if both partners are willing to work together. Without a cooperative effort to overcome both the addiction and the codependence, your relationship will likely never be a healthy one.
And when Alanon and Codependency Anonymous programs were formed this was wise knowing it is a joint disease.Sherry
Codependence is sometimes described as an addiction to another person, rather than a substance. When substance abuse develops into addiction, even the closest interpersonal relationships erode. It can be very difficult for someone suffering from addiction to build and maintain healthy relationships as a result, codependence and addiction often occur together.
Absolutely. I believe most addicts have codependency underneath their addiction. Sherry
I just realized that I’m codependent and my recent ex is a codependent narcissist addict. All these articles about these relationships explain exactly what happened and I am SHOOK. I had no idea but it all makes so much sense now! He has this special charm on me I can’t resist. I was wondering how it all went so south but I see now we were doomed from the beginning. I thought I was pretty independent and I am single but once I get into a relationship and get that love I’m addicted and will keep coming back even if I’m giving more than I get. Then I’m not getting nearly as much love but I’ll still keep working hard for it bc I’m so kind i want to make him happy then he can make me happy. I gave too much he took too much. He was addicted to me. Exciting and new in the beginning but he kept needing more and more to maintain the high and stay high. He was so addicted to me he wanted to consume all of me I had so little left for myself.
Help what do I do now? I just realized I actually need a therapist.
You are welcome to check out my coaching packages. https://sherrygaba.com/coaching/life-coaching/ It sounds like you are in a typical codependent – narcissistic addict dance.