Conflict is difficult for many people. People with codependency often learn to avoid conflict due to fear of abandonment, rejection, and/or criticism. Learning conflict resolution skills makes it easier to handle conflict effectively so you learn not to fear confrontation. Often with the need to people please and receive outside validation, codependents avoid confrontation.
The following are skills you can use to lean into conflict in a healthy way rather then avoid it all together:
- Prepare by getting clear about the problem.Clarify your position by writing down talking points as reminders and to keep you focused.
- Practice your talking points with a friend or in the mirror.
- Use deep breathing to control your anxiety prior to the meeting. Take conscious breaths during the discussion./li>
- Be ready to experience the “newness” that change brings. If you can shift your thinking from a focus on the unknown to recognize that change involves “newness”—new things, people, places, and ideas—with at least some of it bringing excitement and interest, you’ll feel a whole lot better about it.
- Be clear about your bottom line and the things you are willing to negotiate. Understand that negotiation is part of the process and expect it.
- Look for points of agreement. Find things that you agree on and talk about how to find a win-win solution that benefits everyone.
- Do your homework. It helps to have a good idea of what the other person wants to strengthen your position in negotiations.
- Use assertive language. “I want. . .” Or “I would like. . .” Ask what the other person wants, then work toward a solution that works for both of you.
- Ask for clarification or details about anything you are unclear on.
- Take a break. If you feel overwhelmed by the process, take a break. Go to the restroom or get a drink and take some deep breaths.
- Give positive feedback. Let the other person know that you see their point of view, or agree on certain key issues.
- Table it. If you do not get the minimum you are asking for, suggest that you table the discussion for now and talk about it again later. Don’t give up or give in unless you are certain you have reached a stalemate.
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Are you in the middle of a conflict? Do you tend to avoid conflict? What strategy would you like to implement? Are you willing to get in a conversation? Be sure to share your thoughts and questions using the comment section below so we can all learn from and help each other…
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On point 10, entitled Take a Break, whereas you suggest to
“… get a drink” , I’m a recovering alcoholic, so you can an assume the first thing that came to my mind. And it wasn’t water!
I’d clarify that suggestion by stating “non-alcoholic drink.”
Charles, I am so sorry for not be sensitive to that. I will be more careful with future posts. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Sherry
It wasn’t a big deal, since I have 18 years sobriety but it’s still One Day at a Time & the thought of drinking comes up every now & then. John Bradshaw once said “scratch an alcoholic you’ll find a codependent.” So just wanted to make sure your message got to as wide an audience as possible.
OMG I love that quote. I have to use it. lol That has been my biggest challenge. Trying to help alcoholics understand they have codependency too, not just their loved ones. It is challenging. Any thoughts?