One of the more challenging issues for those in addiction recovery is the process of distancing themselves from toxic people. Often, over the period of the addiction, there are harmful, toxic and destructive people that become central in the addict’s life.
In some cases, these toxic people are family members, perhaps even spouses, parents or siblings. Often these people may be addicts themselves, or they may be codependent, actively working to sabotage the treatment or to prevent the addict from seeking treatment.
Eliminating Unhealthy People
There are different groups of people that are toxic in recovery. Working with a recovery coach or recovery community such as Wake Up Recovery can help you to identify these individuals. The coach will provide you with support and strategies to get rid of these people in your life and support the recovery plan.
- Users – Some people in your life are users. These are people that are in the relationship solely for what you can do for them. These people don’t care if they hurt you and they are, despite what they may say, not interested in your well-being.
- Drama Kings and Queens – Many people thrive on chaos in other people’s lives. They actively create stress and drama in your life to satisfy their needs. These are highly toxic individuals that need to be removed completely.
- Pretenders – People often try to befriend you or say they love and care about you only, but only when you are benefitting their lives. These pretenders are often addicts themselves, wanting to use your friendship to further their addictive lifestyle.
- Clinging People – Often people in your life, including other addicts and codependent people, cling to the past. They actively try to move you back into their comfort zone, often encouraging relapses to bring the relationship back to their comfort zone.
There are other people that are toxic as well. By working with a recovery coach or recovery community such as Wake Up Recovery, you can assess relationships and determine which are positive and beneficial and which ones are damaging to recovery. The coach can also work with you to plan for ending these relationships in clearly defined terms or in setting boundaries to change the dynamics of the relationship to get rid of the negativity.
How have you removed toxic relationships from your recovery and life? Or, are you having difficulty doing so? Be sure to share your thoughts and questions using the comment section below! 😉
how would you know if your family are toxic? At times i feel like they only contact me when they need something from me or the kids need something. I love them dearly but i feel alienated and that i really have no friends or a great support system. And i don’t want to spend thousands of dollars just to have friends or a support system
It sounds like you need to set boundaries with your family members by not enabling them with giving them the things they are asking for if that is the only contact they make with you. They will get the point.
How do I stop being manipulated, or giving of my energy. How do I set boundaries to get my needs met.
Jeanie you don’t have to spend thousands for a support system. Check out local 12 step meetings in your area such as alanon or codependents anonymous.
I have a ex girlfriend that I try to remain friends with but claim to be in love with after I got with my girlfriend now and I try set boundaries and she won’t respect them.
It will be up to you to set boundaries because it sounds like she isn’t respecting yours. If that doesn’t work, you may have to have “no contact” with her since you are in a new relationship and don’t want an ex girlfriend to effect that.
How do I stop being manipulated, or giving of my energy. How do I set boundaries to get my needs met as I feel weak by people at times.
When you have trouble setting boundaries usually it is because you are either afraid of confrontation or struggle with people pleasing behaviors. Check out Nancy Levin’s book Setting Boundaries will Set You Free. It is an excellent resource for helping you learn how to set boundaries.
It may be best to let go of you ex girlfriend if she can’t respect your boundaries Greta.
I had to completely cut off all communication with my partner and his family as that was the only way l could cope with the breakup. It was hard but l’ve come through it. Jennie
No contact is the only way to go Jennie. Good job!!!!! Keep it up.
Good going Jennie. The no contact rule always works the best.
What do you do with co workers who are toxic to you and other employees? Especially if your HR and admin by into their toxic behavior
I’m sorry to hear HR is not there to support you but like you said, often they are there for the employer rather then the employees. It may be time to make a decision to move on from a toxic workplace and go elsewhere because we are powerless over changing others including colleagues unless they want to change.
Absolutely agree with you.its my personal experience that I’m powerless to control. Remove or letting go of toxic person is best way to help he/she.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years he continues to want other women openly tells me he wants to sleep with them if we weren’t together heson meth .I don’t know how much he uses he doesn’t live with me and I don’t sleep with him cuz of my boundaries as a sin and I love God he use to go to Chruch he’s good to me sometimes but lately he’s pushing me to hang out with his friend that a girl she stays in my boyfriend R V and her boyfriend I broke up with him Friday because he’s on meth and he’s pushing me to hang out with these people I will not please help me to learn to move on ty
Congratulations Patricia for moving on and letting go. You might want to join Alanon. It is a great program to help you release yourself from your addict boyfriend. Remember he has his own path and you have yours. Sherry
Sherry, I have struggled to help the man I (thought) I had a relationship with for five years. It is a long-distance relationship, and we have seen less and less of each other over this time, as I have put boundaries in place that do not work. In the early stages, we really, really loved each other, and I did not know he had a huge drink problem, as well as smoking. My problem now is that he “gets together” with his (toxic) female neighbour and they have boozing sessions in his apartment, getting completely plastered. She feeds him vitriol about me, and turns him against me, at the same time as feeding me lies about him and other women, which he denies, and I believe are not true – but of course, it sows a seed of doubt in me and causes anxiety. This causes chaos, and neither of us can understand what the truth is. I just know she clings onto him because he buys her booze for her when she comes around. And he clings onto her because she is his only “friend”. I have tried and tried to be supportive of him – even suggesting that he comes and lives with me here until he is sober and he can make informed choices of what he wants to do. But she poisons his mind against me, and it never happens, although 2 weeks ago he did say he thinks he should leave his present situation and come and be with me, but that I do not understand how difficult it is to stop drinking. I tell him I do, and he needs support, but he is afraid to give up what he has got. He is in debt, although he likes to pretend he is not and keeps up appearances with the other people in his life by spending money he has not got. He recently gave his son £300 to help him move into a new apartment. His family do not know what is going on. They would be heart-broken. They are lovely, lovely people. His mother is wealthy and does not know, and he will not tell her in case she cuts him out of her will. He is soon 65 and she is 87. So he is waiting for her to die, basically. Not nice!! I have just spent a couple of days with him. It was meant to be 4 days and we were going to have a fun day out together, but we had a row and he threw me out – which often happens when I stay with him. He gets crabby because he does not drink when I am there. Things are getting worse and I do not know what to do. Of course, the easy option would be to walk away and forget him. But I cannot. I love him and worry about him and want to help if I can. I am at my wits’ end. What do you suggest, please? V.
Veronica, loving an addict and/or alcoholic is very painful; especially all the insanity and drama that can go with it. It sounds like he is in the midst of his disease and no matter how much you try to help, unless he has hit a proverbial bottom and wants the help, nothing is going to change. The saying goes nothing changes, if nothing changes. I suggest you get support on your own through Al-anon, psychotherapy, and work on the issues that allow you to tolerate his behavior. Often, its more then love that allows us to accept un-acceptable behavior. I have been in your exact position and it took a community of support to help me let go.
Sherry, I have been in recovery for 32 years. Still, some of my family will not
accept mt trying to get well and go as far as trying to sabotage my sobriety
How do I deal with brothers and sisters that do that to me?.
Congratulations Thomas for your recovery. Sometimes we have to detach with love from those who do not support our recovery. Your family sound like they would benefit from Alanon. Addiction is a family disease. You keep showing up and remember you are powerless over others but not your own reactions including Sabotaging. You are so much more then how your family sees you.
I am in a friendship with an addict who is abstinent but no recovery whatsoever…hence, untreated addiction at its finest. She is my best friend and has helped me in many ways as far as living arrangements and starting anew in another state. I am very grateful as she has the means and I don’t. However, her life is a drama filled life of chaos and drug filled insanity with her husband and daughter, who live in another household. Daily nightmares of uncontrollable scenarios with police and complete chaos. I have been drawn into this insanity since I stepped foot in this new state …I was deceived, as before coming here, I was told everything was fine. NO…it was pure insanity. I am having a hard time finding work, I am subject to her daily stories of drugs, insanity and the stories of her family life is beyond anything I have seen or heard in my own addiction. I am clean and in recovery and feel like I am a hostage. I see my friend , with no concept of recovery at all, running amok among the using husband and daughter ….and she brings it all home to me…..and I am tired of it. That is all we talk about. It has been going on for 8 month since I got here.
My point of this long story…..is she toxic to me? I feel so. I am depressed and cornered and so over being wrapped up in her drama. Carless and jobless. I think I need to go back home.
Yes Liz, you are correct, this is very toxic. She can be a trigger for your own sobriety. I understand you may have some financial issues keeping you there, but she and her drama has become your addiction and obsession, which is very toxic, as you say. I recommend you try not to engage with her or her drama until you can find another living arrangement. Her drama is not good for your own recovery.
Thanks. Confirming what I already knew. My own sobriety seems to be in tact but my own issues in top of her issues can lead to a disaster. I am making other plans.
Lix you are making an excellent decision making other plans. You are taking care of yourself which is a great choice. Life is a series of choices and you are making a good one. Sherry
Hi my good friend. My brother hates me being on a 12 step recovery programme helped. He wants me back as I was and thinks I’ve abanded him with my 13 years recovery. But every time I try to help him he puts up a fight why he don’t need recovery. We both end up drained from it. I feel spiritual deflated. I’ve let go let GOD. I need my sanity. Blessings Christy xx x
Christy, I am so sorry about the broken relationship with your brother but congratulations to you for your recovery. The best thing I ever did was join Alanon to deal with the addict in my life. I highly suggest that for you too. Sherry
Hi Sherry,
I have been with my husband 30 years on the 12/08/2019. I read an article last year and believe that my husband is a narcassist. I can’t believe that i didn’t realise before. It will be our anniversary this weekend but i know that he want remember even though i have mentioned it over the last few months in passing.
I don’t feel listened too at all and don’t think he has any empathy.
I would really like to leave but feel stuck. Having read articles and watched Youtube i think i am suffering trauma bonding. What can you suggest i do first?
Thank you
Thank you for reaching out. The first step is to find a great therapist in your community that understand narcissistic abuse. Often codependents attract narcissists. You also may want to enjoy our community where we are supporting codependents in unhealthy relationships. https://wakeuprecovery.com/become-a-member-co/
Sherry, I got divorced after 28 year marriage and have been apart from him for 3 years. He made terrible mistakes and left the marriage in a traumatic manner with lies and betrayal. He has diagnosed bipolar that may have been under treated and addictions to porn, gambling and alcohol that contributed to the break down of the marriage. We did go through the divorce, and he says he was really unhappy in the marriage and now has moved on. I was devoted during the marriage and in denial that we were living in an unhealthy codependent manner. The embarrassing thing is I miss him and miss our friendship and the opportunity we could have now to grow and learn from this experience. He has a new girlfriend and new life and does not want me in his life at all. I am trying to recover and build myself anew, I have a counselor to help me with the grief and the addictive aspect, but sometimes I feel so stuck. After listening to you on the codependency no more podcast I wonder why I am still struggling to let go completely. How to get rid of the longing for something/someone I cannot have. I understand this is a kind of addiction but I am frustrated at the recurring feelings of loss and longing. Have you helped others in this situation? What is most helpful. (I know— exercise and rebuilding my life) What else?
Thank you for reaching out and I do understand your grief and stuckness. I went through that for a long time and even got back with my ex, which inevitably didn’t work out. What helped me was having a strong community to reach out to, listening to audios and books related to codepednency and obsession, and finding new hobbies and interests. We would love you to join our community if it resonates with you. It is a beautiful trib of individuals who have been where you are and learning to let go with grace and compassion. https://wakeuprecovery.com/become-a-member-co/ We would love to see you there.
Chattanooga residents stepped in front of a crowd Thursday night to share their journeys through addiction and remove the stigma around an issue killing thousands of Americans every year. They talked about the cyclical nature of addiction, the peaks and valleys of recovery attempts and relapse. They emphasized the role of community, from 12-step groups to supportive loved ones, in helping them through the difficult days of working through their addiction.
How wonderful!!!! Time to remove the stigma and shame around addiction. Sherry