The term situationship may be new to many people. However, it is an apt description of a non-committed relationship. A few years ago, this type of relationship was often called “friends with benefits,” where a couple had a casual dating relationship, no formal commitment, and also enjoyed a sexual relationship.
All couples go through a period of time when they are in a situationship. This is the time between dating and making the relationship official. At this point, there is no stated label or definition of the relationship, and it is often seen as fluid or free from commitment. However, in these relationships with two caring adults, the goal is to either define the relationship at some point or move out of the relationship if it is not working.
For a narcissist, on the other hand, a situationship is a perfect solution to a relationship. There is no commitment and no definition of what the expectations are for either person. The narcissist is able to make the rules, change the rules, or manipulate the rules and blame the other person for everything that is wrong or problematic.
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The Beginnings
The natural behavior of the narcissist makes them an attractive individual at the initial stages of dating. They are the perfect partner, enjoying everything you like, spending time contacting you throughout the day, and lavishing gifts, compliments, and attention in a way that is often overwhelming.
The narcissist can maintain their positive and engaging personality when they are not consistently in your life. At the same time, they convince you that you want a less structured relationship, gaslighting and manipulating the situation and your words to reflect their desire for undefined relationship status.
Multiple Situationships
One of the issues that often rises to the surface in a situationship with a narcissist is the reality of multiple partners. It is not uncommon for a narcissist to be in situationships with multiple partners at the same time. Typically, the narcissist hides this behavior, but they can also use it as a way to create a demand for their time.
The relationship’s lack of expectations or defined boundaries is ideal for the narcissist. He or she can also turn any criticism from the partners about monogamy into their fault for assuming those definitions or relationship expectations were in place.
No Willingness to Provide Emotional Support or Commitment
A key sign of being in a situationship with a narcissist is the lack of emotional support at any level, even in the situationship has been ongoing for months or much longer. The narcissist wants to keep it at the friends with benefits level as they have no interest in long-term commitments other than in a controlling and abusive fashion.
When the partner tries to move the relationship to a new level, the narcissist reacts by ghosting the person or accusing them of being clingy, needy, or requiring control over the relationship. Of course, these are often the traits that the narcissist is projecting onto the partner.
Last Minute Plans are the Norm
Narcissists rarely make long-term plans and follow through. Instead, they thrive on last-minute planning to take advantage of the best offer at the moment. Caring partners, on the other hand, routinely plan dates and activities in advance and follow through with those plans.
The narcissist may talk in general and vague terms about the future. This is intentional to keep the other person hoping for more of a relationship. The vague promises and lack of depth to conversations about your short and long-term future together is a way to avoid emotional closeness and the potential of commitment.
You are Anxious about the Future
Staying in a situationship once you recognize the partner is not willing or able to commit to a defined relationship will create anxiety about the future. A situationship is naturally ambivalent and uncertain, but the narcissist capitalizes on that anxiety by spending time showering you with attention and then leaving or refusing to make contact.
Situationships can be a stage in a relationship that either advance to a partnership or end. However, with the narcissist, the situationship stays stuck and static, locking you into a constant state of dating confusion and ambiguity about your future. It can be difficult to decide to leave, and this is what the narcissist is counting on.
Have you found yourself in a situationship? Have you noticed any of these signs in your relationships? What can you do to get out of the situation? What support might you need? Be sure to share your thoughts and questions using the comment section below so we can all learn from and help each other…
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Sherry Gaba, LCSW and Transformation Coach
Author of Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to Find Everlasting Love
And Wake Up Recovery for Toxic Relationships, Codependency and Love Addiction
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Greetings – Thank you for your on-going committment to highlighting the aspects of what narcissim presents, as when in the situation it is so confusing and disturbing to say the least. I had a narcisstic father with a victim narc. mother, alcohol and affairs, parties etc; Eventually at 31 met a narcissitic man that has basically robbed me financially for the past 35 years of so – in a business we share on paper but i do the work and he manages the money; We never married but just before i turned 40 found myself pregnant this further tied me to him because it is only in the past few years i began reading about definitions such as co-dependant, victim, narcissitic abuse – all throwing the light on my predicament. i have tried to get control of the finances since 2012, it is really difficult. Whatever you write about this condition fits my life up until now, 72 years, last month when again asking for the accounts (he stays on his farm and only comes to office month end) he brings files that are not relevant, then gives me pages of figures that represent a ‘loan account’ in his name – that i have no control on his spending and in my name – where all the dues are for my account, his and mine; he also remains away, and all opportunities to change the rules as he goes. I am writing a loose description, had years on and off therapy, but dont think in South Africa there is the training/understanding of this awful condition of control and abuse. He went as far as taking my daughter away from me when she turned 18, he always does the opposite of whatever i may say previously – like you say ‘changing the rules’ to fit their own selves – can’t really say more, will persist in my endeavours but as i write and experience the pain that my life has been filled with, my father died at 89, 2014, and told me i held no value to him, and should find a man to take care of me because he certainly was not leaving me any money …. and he didn’t – which is okay – just layer upon layer of these nasty criminally minded individuals who as you mention by brief encounters can continue to ‘hide’ who they are – leaving the damaged person to be seen as ‘the problem’ – i have brothers and sister who succombed to the behavior – Thank you
Thank you for sharing your history Jennifer. You might consider trauma therapy to begin healing this generational trauma. Sometimes talk therapy is not enough; but rather releasing the toxic energy that lives inside our bodies is where real healing can begin. I am a psychotherapist that does trauma therapy if that interests you.