Most of us feel embarrassed at some point or another. Embarrassment is a common response to something we believe threatens the image of ourselves that we’d like to present to the world. The key with embarrassment is that it is both situational and morally neutral.
If you get caught burping, find you have a pimple on the end of your nose, or someone finds out your uncle was once in prison, you may be embarrassed about these things in the moment, but none of these things nor your embarrassment have any relation to your core values and beliefs.
Shame, on the other hand, while often used synonymously with embarrassment, is a very different emotion.
For example, if you mispronounce a word at a party and people laugh, you’ll likely feel embarrassed. However, you’ll also likely remember the correct way to pronounce the word and avoid the situation in the future. On the other hand, if you catch yourself treating someone badly or you fail to do well on a test or get a job and you then see yourself as a “bad” person or “not good enough” because of it, that is the shame of not living up to your own standards of being a “good” person.
Unlike embarrassment, shame is often attached to thoughts and feelings that remain hidden from the outside world. Shame isn’t always situational. And shame is intertwined with our moral character, resulting from the perception that our thoughts or actions are not in alignment with own own beliefs, values, and personal standards.
Unlike temporary embarrassment, shame can also lead to additional self-destructive thoughts and negative self-evaluations, which in turn lead to low self-esteem.
Moreover, shame, unlike embarrassment, is deeply tied to codependency…
Internal Shame and Codependency
As Darlene Lancer has pointed out in her book, Conquering Shame and Codependency, many of the symptoms of codependency are either caused by shame or are defenses to feeling shame.
For people with codependency, the sense of not being a “good” person, or of not being “good enough,” or of not living up to their own standards can be a deeply rooted feeling that often stems from repeated childhood incidents and experiences.
In fact, most codependents grow up feeling ashamed of their wants, feelings, and/or needs, often due to emotional abandonment experienced as children. As adults, they then often devalue and deny those wants, needs, and feelings in order to avoid their own shame.
If childhood shame has never been addressed or examined from the perspective of an adult, it all too easily acts as a trigger just waiting for something in life to bring all those feelings of shame roaring back to the surface.
This constant or ever-present shame – sometimes referred to as toxic shame or internalized shame – prevents individuals from being able to feel loved, respected, appreciated, or happy. They simply cannot accept these feelings, as they see themselves as not being worthy of these positive life experiences.
This inability to allow oneself to feel these positive emotions due to the constant message of their own internal shame playing like a looped tape in their own minds is what leads to low self-esteem, the need to always be better or be “perfect,” the desire to control oneself and others, the need to constantly take care of and please other people, and, quite often, addiction as a means of controlling, denying, or diminishing those shameful feelings.
Given this link between codependency and shame, it should be apparent that recognizing, acknowledging, and working through our own internalized shame is the first step towards reclaiming our relationships and our lives.
We need to overcome our internalized shame before we can learn to set healthy boundaries, be assertive about our needs, and avoid pleasing others at any cost.
Yes, seeing our shame can, in and of itself, feel like yet another shameful experience. But, learning about and recognizing our own internalized shame is the beginning of healing. And, remember, you don’t have to go through this alone… Nor should you!
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Remember, if you long for healthier, more loving relationships, the first step is to learn to create that relationship with yourself. And doing so requires you to acknowledge and work through your own internal shame.
Are you, or is someone you know, codependent? Have you been able to recognize and come to terms with your own internalized shame? What did it take for you to do so? Do you have questions about the link between shame and codependency? If so, what are they? Be sure to share your thoughts and questions using the comment section below so we can all learn from and help each other…
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I’m curious about the term “codependency” with regard to it relating to a close personal relationship vs. a broader perspective of codependency in work/team/group relationships. I realize that I have always had shame around not being “capable” enough or I didn’t matter. I have always believed I never do enough or I’m never as capable as others, so to compensate for not measuring up I take on all the responsibility and load of work. I end up burning myself out and resenting others for not stepping up to the plate and carrying their share of the workload. As you say above, I don’t feel respected or valued. I’m afraid to ask for the help I need for fear of being rejected and abandoned. I’m learning to step back from this, but the fear of disappointing others and letting them and me down causes me much anxiety.
Cheryl that is definitely codependency. If you can’t say no, it’s most likely because you have trouble setting boundaries. And resentment and anger is a sure sign of codependency. It’s about building your self worth and knowing you deserve support and to be valued and respected. Unfortunately, if it doesn’t happen from others, it must come from yourself. There are reasons you have found yourself in this position so be compassionate with yourself. If it resonates with you, we would love for you to join our supportive tribe working on these issues. http://www.wakeuprecovery.com. Thank you Cheryl for reaching out.
Thank you Cheryl for your comment. Yes, it sounds like you are struggling with codependency in terms of being afraid to set boundaries and say no and in turn, you are feeling burnt out and resentful. Codependency is in many ways a disease and recovery is a muscle that needs to be exercised so that you do not allow others to take advantage of you. I would love to see you in our community where we are tackline codependency. https://wakeuprecovery.com/become-a-member-co/
Thanks for the article! It was great! I’m glad you addressed codependency and recovery. Though I got clean and sober and got a clearer mind I had only begun to uncover my feelings. After 5 years of being sober I still ended up divorced because I didn’t know how to have healthy relationships. I did get into therapy and she sent me to CODA and i got a sponsor and worked the steps and fixed a lot of my thinking and feeling. The major things I learned about myself are; a) I don’t know what other people are thinking. B) it’s not all about me. C) there’s my business, God’s business and somebody else’s business. I did have to learn and practice setting loving boundaries. There is much more peace in my life today because I got to look at myself, not other people and their actions through working the steps on Codependency in Melody Beattie’s Step Working Guide with a sponsor and attending a group. I don’t attend a group anymore but still attend AA/NA and after we work the steps on alcohol or addiction many of the girls work the steps on codependency. Thanks again!
Stacey, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I address this issue in my book, The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession. You might enjoy my book. It’s available on Amazon. Often, I see when addicts/alcoholics give up the drugs/alcohol, they cross addict to another addiction or obsession and love is often the next high. Congratulations to you for working on these issues and wishing you healthy and whole relationships in the future. Sherry
Hi…I became fully aware of my codependency about 8 months ago due to my current partner (who studied psychology) pointing it out. I feel like the more I learn about it, the more shame I feel, and then sometimes become even more needy. My partner tried k be patient with me and sometimes does a good job while other times can’t hide his annoyance which hurts and then makes me want to cling more. I feel like I’m in a vicious cycle of becoming aware, feeling shame, then wanting more validation so I don’t feel the shame. I’m also having a hard time knowing the difference between when my partner points it out if it’s a good thing or a bad thing…if he’s wrong for being so honest(sometimes it hurts) or if I need to do a better job. I’ve been talking to a counselor but I can’t heal as fast as I’d like. I almost fear learning more about it due to the aftermath that follows.
Stacey, there is nothing to be afraid of. Codependency recovery is a process. Try to learn everything you can about it and if you want a beautiful tribe of support, check out my program. It’s a $1 trial and you can quit anytime but once you go through the modules, you will be transformed. https://wakeuprecovery.com/become-a-member-co1/
Hello …
Very interesting article. …..
As a young women, coming from a loving family I had no idea such a thing existed.
But as a teenager I fell in love with a handsome boy and at 21 married him.
Within a few months our relationship was strained as he appeared to have little need for sex ( the exact opposite of during our courtship )
He did like physical contact and cuddling and was affectionate and a good husband in nearly all other ways…
Within the next 5 years we had two sons ..adored by both of us but the problems remained and when I called him out on ..why no sexual desire he had no answers and became very angry. …and harsh things were said.
Meanwhile I was sexually maturing and chasing my orgasm. and noticing the half the population was male!!
There was trouble to come…
Nine years after marriage he got promotion and we moved to a new area ..our youngest son became seriously ill and we both struggled emotionally.
Within a year, we both had affairs.
The fear of loss and brought us back together with an erotic bang and sex was amazing and I became orgasmic and in control of my sexuality at last.
It did not last as I now know that his self esteem was damaged in childhood …and secret affairs became his way of coping with the damage..
I still loved him and he assured me he loved me and was completely committed to our family….
However his behaviour towards me deteriated. Following being coerced into a sexual swop ..we went for 6 weeks of counselling ……
He did not real take part and although I didn’t know at the time he started another short term affair.
Hurting and in despair I decide to move away emotionally within the marriage….
Life goes on and being an pretty women in her 30s …helped, as male attention was always forth coming.
A couple of years later I met a man and started a long affair with him…..
There’s more …but would like your thoughts so far…
Nikki….
My belief is self-love and intimacy begins with yourself first. The way to have real connection with another is to first have connection with yourself. I never think looking outside yourself or your relationship is the solution. Sherry
I think this is where I get hung up often actually. It’s very frustrating. I have times where I feel confident and I think, I must not really be codependent. But I have almost really just come to the point that I want to avoid getting attached to anyone because even though it makes me sad sometimes, I know that people can’t hurt us unless we let them. I don’t want to avoid getting close to people for ever though.
Albany, it sounds like you have difficulty trusting. Once you can trust yourself, you will know who to trust and not to trust. Nothing is ever all or nothing. Living life in the middle and gray area is a healthier way to embrace life and relationships. Congratulations on your journey Albany.
You are very welcome!!!! Sherry